Bedtime Story: Dreaming

I dream every night. They say dreams are the windows to the soul. If they are, I think I’ve replaced the windows several times. I’m not sure why I dream every night. I also don’t sleep well. I wake up, almost every two hours. Exactly. And every two hours when I awake I awake from a different dream.

My dreams vary greatly. Many I don’t remember. Sometimes when I wake up I feel angry, lonely, sad. Perhaps my soul is bringing forth a cleansing. A cleansing because my body has exhaled agony which has been held for many years. Sadness that was unresolved. Loneliness that was denied. This dreaming and waking up many times during the night has been going on for over six months. I don’t know why it started and I have no idea if and when it will end. Last year was a “tough” year for me, relatively speaking. Amongst health issues and relationship woes and a few other things, the majority of last year was spent in a rather deep level of depression and anxiety. I didn’t start feeling better until late summer. I was starting to feel like myself enjoying brunch with friends, renewed energy at work and becoming more active. And then the dreams started.

I don’t fear going to sleep. The dreams aren’t violent nor bothersome. I’ve come to the conclusion that the depths of my being, the memories – good, bad and otherwise – are coming to the surface and working themselves out. I’ve spent way too much time rewinding the tapes of a neglected childhood, a failed marriage and choices I made that led to not so great consequences. In a way, I feel my body, through my nightly regime of dreams, is forgiving myself. Releasing all negative energy, poor memories and bringing forth the opportunity to begin anew. Like spring, my dreams are allowing me to begin again, reset the clock, stop the tapes, muffle the voices. Perhaps when spring arrives, my dreams will subside. Perhaps I will sleep more soundly. I can only dream that will come true.

Do you dream? Do you remember your dreams? What do they mean to you?

“I’ve dreamed a lot. I’m tired now from dreaming but not tired of dreaming. No one tires of dreaming, because to dream is to forget, and forgetting does not weigh on us, it is a dreamless sleep throughout which we remain awake. In dreams I have achieved everything.”
— Fernando Pessoa, The Book of Disquiet